Friday, October 14, 2011

Survival of the Dead

This film offended me it was so terrible. This movie is a very definite contender for worst movie out there. I guess Diary of the Dead got my hopes up since I managed to find something to like about it, but Survival failed to meet even my lowest expectations. I don't even know where to start with this steaming pile of shit. But I suppose from the beginning is never a bad place. The film stars the bandits from the previous movie, the lead character tries to justify it but it's all kind of word salad. The token lesbian bandit masturbates while the white guy watches late night variety talk shows on his laptop. Yeah, some chick is just idly flickin' the old bean on top of a jeep at the start of the film, very classy. From there we get some hillbillies with a bunch of black zombie heads on sticks. We pick up a kid who does retarded shit and our lead takes a retarded shining to him for no reason. There's some banter about how apple stuff is cool. Fuck you Romero. Fuck you. It's hard to even recall how stupid this steaming pile of bullshit was. I hope the paycheck from this keeps you warm at night. Whatever. They listen to the kid in terms of taking directions because he found a clip on youtube of a guying telling them to come to an island. SURFUCKINGPRISE IT WAS AN AMBUSH ALL ALONG. No reason is given for why these people have turned to banditry. Oh, I forgot about those guys. The bandits are people we met earlier in the film. They come from an island with two families, the guy who was banished advocated killing the dead and was shunned by his daughter and the other family for it. No reason is given for how retarded they all are. Anyways, they fight it out, the latino bites a zombie which is apparently enough to turn him into a zombie. Reverse rules. Genius. The old guy from the island who tried his best to kill them joins with a wink and a nod. EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE IS RETARDED BY THE WAY, IT'S KIND OF IMPORTANT TO KNOW THAT. On the Island the dead are chained up to stuff, but one of them is riding a horse. A zombie. Riding. A horse. I will cheer when Romero dies. He did good stuff in his time, but he's intent to undo it all with the single worst movie he could possibly make. To some extent his zombies have always retained some intelligence and dexterity. But do you know how much is involved in riding a horse? What's next? Zombie accountants? Zombies that give history lectures? Fuck this shit. Anyways, there's a weird blood feud that escalates. We find out the zombie on the horse has a twin who isn't a zombie. That is until she feeds her hand to her sister and then gets pissed when it happens. They make a big point about the zombies eating other food like horses. The guy who advocates killing zombies is portrayed to be wrong for some ungodly stupid reason. It ends, the main character talks about wanting to stay on the island to make a living but then 5 seconds later they state that they left and took money which would have no value at all.

Jesus fucking christ. This movie is terrible in every way possible. Seriously. It probably is the worst movie ever made. Nobody can act. The visuals are half awful CGI. The sound will be mostly that of your brain begging for death. The story might fit in with a western, but what little idea is there is handled piss poor.

I can not advise against seeing this movie enough. I feel I am worse for the experience. Do not let loved ones watch this putrid goose anus of a movie. Burn it if you come across it. Do what needs to be done. Fuck this movie.

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